Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
