Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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