Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
