I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
