Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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