She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
