My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
