I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
