I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
