just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
