this beer tastes like vomit already
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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