babies were throwing up all over the place
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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