I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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