I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
