I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wish there were birth control emojis
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
