After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
