Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
