I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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