just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
