I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
