Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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