I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
