The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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