Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
