3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
