I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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