Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
