Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
