Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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