you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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