My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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