He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
