I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
