i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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