I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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