if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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