I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
