I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
