how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
