Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
