I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
