You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
