Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
