Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
