Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
