WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
