It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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