I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude i'm inner monologue high
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
