i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
