How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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