fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
