No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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